Samples of Dr. Kay Kuzma's Family Matters newspaper column 

If you would like to use any of these in print, the credit line should read, "by Dr. Kay Kuzma. Used by permission from Family Matters, 1105 Big Creek Rd. LaFollette, TN 37766. For a free issue of Family Times written by Kay Kuzma, call 1-423-566-5007." 

 

A DATE WITH DAD by Kay Kuzma 

 Moms-and-dads-to-be look forward to birth. They're eager to cuddle, kiss and coo to that new little namesake. Getting bonded at birth is vitally important. But, too many parents have the mistaken idea that "once bonded--always bonded", and then wonder why children grow distant, especially when child #1 gets pushed off the pedestal by number two, three or four.

 If you want your bonding-birth experience to last a lifetime, why not super-glue the relationship by planning a monthly date for your child with dad or mom--or both!

 When his children were just preschoolers, my friend, Lee, decided he needed to establish a special relationship with them. The family did things together, but it seemed there was never enough time to be alone just with one. Often the evening hours were filled with sibling rivalry as each child would vie for their daddy's attention. So, Lee decided that at least once a month he'd ask each child for a date to go somewhere with him so they could have an uninterrupted evening alone.

 That first month the children were so eager that they argued over who was going to get to be Daddy's date first. Finally, younger sister Lauralee wised up: "Adrian, you go first, then I'll be able to look forward to it the longest!"

 What did the children do on their dates with Daddy? "Anything within reason--and budget," Dad said. "The evening usually starts out by getting something special to eat--like drive-in variety tacos. Occasionally, the children opt for real high class stuff like a pizza place!"

 While Adrian chooses to go as is--grass-stained jeans and

tennis shoes--Lauralee prefers to pull out all the stops. She asks her mom to curl her hair, dons her fanciest dress, adds a spot of cologne behind each ear, and then, off go dad and daughter to the fast-food "restaurant."

 If a friend happens by, Lauralee is delighted. She flutters her eyelashes, and with an air of importance explains that she is out on a date with her daddy. Dating Dad is definitely a "cloud nine" experience, whether they end up watching the goldfish and puppies at a pet shop or playing a round of miniature golf.

 If you like the idea, but evenings are filled with homework and committee meetings, you may opt for an early morning breakfast or a weekend brunch. When it happens is not as important as that it does happen. A date need not be expensive, but it should be regular. Dates should be something the child can look forward to. So what, if the child gets crowded out of getting dad's full attention now--date night is coming.

 I called Lee a few years later to ask if the monthly "Date with Dad" had survived the hustle and bustle of the school years.

 "Oh, yes," Lee replied, "My kids wouldn't let me off the hook now. Plus, the benefits for us are just too great. As the children are growing older I find we still have that special closeness we had when they were preschoolers. It's as if we get ourselves re-bonded every month. My willingness to share an entire evening with each individual child says in a unique way, 'Hey, you are important to me. You're special!'"

 I think Lee has a great "super-glue" idea. I hope you'll try it soon. 

Words: 564 

 

LOVE NOTES by Kay Kuzma

 Are you an impulsive-type person--one who says, "Why not?" I hope so, because I have a marvelous idea of something you can do within the next five minutes that will bring a sparkle of excitement to your family!

 I want you to write a love note. It's a great way to add a little pizzazz to a relationship!

 I'll never forget the day I had to stop by the principal's office where Kevin went to school. After giving a message to the secretary, I turned to leave, wishing I had enough time to visit Kevin's classroom and just say "Hi" to my special first-grader. But I had an appointment that I had to keep. Just then a boy from Kevin's class came into the office. Impulsively I asked, "Are you going back to class soon?"

 "Yes," he replied.

 "Then would you give Kevin a message for me?"

 "Sure, I'll be glad to."

 I pulled out a scrap of paper from my purse and scribbled a quick note: "Dear Kevin, I love you. Love, Mom." Then I drew a big heart with arms and legs, eyes, and a huge smiley face and gave the note to Kevin's classmate.

 After school I asked Kevin if he received the note I sent him. "Oh yes, Mom," he said with a big Cheshire cat grin, "and everyone at school wants one, too!"

 And isn't that the way it is with love notes? Everyone loves to receive them. You're never too old for a love note--and, I might add, never too young.

 Here's one that a thoughtful grandmother wrote to her newborn granddaughter:

 "Dear Karen, I am so glad you arrived last week. From that moment on you began to give your mother and father an incomparable feeling of pride and happiness, and this feeling will never end. Welcome to a home and a world that wants you, needs you, and loves you! It is a great adventure, being alive, for this is a wondrous world--beautiful, exciting, mysterious, challenging. . . . The world is now your oyster, lass. It will keep you busy. For you, life will be a challenge; a quest for love, for beauty, for dignity, for self-worth. These things are your birthright, Karen--but you must seek them out. It is this quest which will fill your life, your mind. It will be an exciting one, and in the questing you will make this a better place in which to live. Congratulations on your arrival--and thanks, too. Love, Grandma."

 The message of being wanted and loved is clear. It will be a few years yet before Karen reads the letter herself, but the meaning will never dim.

 That's how it is with love notes. They can be picked up time and time again, read and re-read. While the spoken word is meaningful, it is so soon forgotten. Not so with written words of love. They can be tucked under the pillow to be dreamed about--or saved in scrapbooks to bring back fond memories of years past.

 So why not be impulsive? Take that pen and piece of paper and write a love note to your child, or your spouse, or your parent. It's sure to put an extra sparkle into their day--and a little pizzazz into yours, as well! 

Words: 550 

 

LIMITS by Kay Kuzma 

 Children have a way of bouncing up against limits--and too often bouncing right through them! Why, when you say, "NO," do they so often go ahead and do it anyway?

 Everyone knows what the speed limit is. Why then do so many people ignore it? Some insight into adult disobedience may help you better understand your children!

Would you go over the 65 mph speed limit if you knew your car would blow up at 66 mph? Of course not! Chances are you wouldn't even go over 60! In fact, you might not even get into the car! It wouldn't be worth the chance. The consequence would be too severe.

Now, pretend that the only thing that would happen if you exceeded the speed limit would be that a flag would pop up on the hood of your car announcing to the world that you were speeding, and the only way you could get that flag down would be to have a policeman stop you, give you a ticket and wind down the flag with a special tool. Now would you venture over 65 mph?

Perhaps, if you enjoy taking risks, or if you would be rushing to a hospital or hurrying to catch a plane. The consequence just isn't that severe. It would be worth the ticket, and the minor embarrassment that the all too obvious flag would cause, just to arrive at your destination on time.

Now suppose that everyone was driving with red flags on their cars indicating that they were exceeding the 65 mph speed limit. Would you drive over 55 mph, too? Probably so. It's easy to ignore the limits when everyone else is ignoring them.

Children react to limits the same way that adults do. If most of the other children are ignoring the limits, they will ignore them too. If the consequence is so minor that it's meaningless to them, why not chance it? Maybe they won't get caught, and if they do, the punishment is not that bad.

But, if they know that their parents mean what they say, and will consistently enforce every limit and impose a significant consequence when limits are ignored, they are going to think twice about whether they should ignore the limit or not. The result is a much higher rate of compliance.

So, if you want to increase your children's rate of

compliance with the limits in your home, try these simple suggestions:

1. Make sure the limits are clear. Be specific. If the room is to be cleaned, instead of just saying, "Clean the room" say, "In one hour--that's 60 minutes, not 61 minutes--the room must be clean. That means pick up the blocks and put them on your shelf; make your bed and hang up your clothes. Do you understand?" You might even ask your child to repeat the instructions so you can be certain that he clearly perceives what the limits are.

2. Make sure that the child experiences a significant consequence if he ignores the limit. You don't have to stomp your feet and scream; you don't have to paddle his britches; just impose an appropriate consequence that will teach him that you mean what you say.

3. Make sure that you notice when he keeps within the limits. And let him know that you appreciate his cooperation. Kids love praise.

I have a feeling that if you put these three suggestions into practice, you will have a lot more compliance in your family. In fact, you might think twice the next time you're tempted to exceed the speed limit! 

Words: 598 

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