Samples of Dr. Kay Kuzma's column Dr. Kay's Q&A 

If you would like to use any of these in print, the credit line should read, "by Dr. Kay Kuzma. Used by permission from Family Matters, 1105 Big Creek Rd. LaFollette, TN 37766. For a free issue of Family Times written by Kay Kuzma, call 1-423-566-5007." 

INTERNAL BOILING CAUSES BEHAVIOR EXPLOSIONS

QUESTION:

My husband and I have come out of very rigid, strict backgrounds where we believed that children should be made to obey. My boy has rebelled from the time he was two, and now at five he is defiant and throws horrible temper tantrums and yells dreadful threats. I now realize we were wrong to be so harsh and controlling and for spanking him so often, but the damage has been done. I'm trying to be more patient and understanding, but it doesn't seem to work. I'm about to give up. 

ANSWER:

Internal boiling will eventually cause explosions. Your son is angry and what you are seeing in his temper tantrums and his verbal threats, is his letting off steam. Believe it or not, this is healthy! If a volcano can let steam off a little at a time, it won't have a devastating eruption, yet you're alerted to an underlying problem. The same with your son.

Now that you know your son's anger is boiling, what can you do about it?

I'm glad you have reconsidered your harsh, controlling behavior and are developing more effective parenting skills. I want to commend you for that. It's not easy to change. You may actually get more negative behavior through this transition time, then previously, because your child is testing you to see if you really mean what you say. He knows you mean it when you yell and hit him, but for a while your more gentle ways may be interpreted as indifference. So, be prepared; your patience will be tested. But even through this, you can respond calmly and coolly. When you exhibit self-control, it will be a mighty lesson to your son to do the same.

Because your child is acting out his anger and testing you, you will be tempted to correct him for every minor infraction. A constant diet of "no, no, no," causes a negative reaction, and it's quite likely that the more you correct, the worse his behavior will become.

Instead, start feeding him a positive diet. Catch him being good. Smile. Wink. Let him know he's loved and you like to be around him. Don't bug him with "sit up straight, blow your nose and don't talk with your mouth full." Ignore some of his inconsequential obnoxious behavior right now in order to build a more positive relationship with him. You can make corrections later when you are not "the enemy."

Right now your focus must be on stopping behavior that is absolutely forbidden; behavior that could hurt himself, others or things. Be strong on maintaining the limits that really count. For example, "You may not scream those words at me because it hurts me--and you may not hurt another person. But you can say, "Mommy, I'm so angry I feel like saying something nasty, and I will listen to you and see if we can solve the problem so you don't have to erupt like a volcano." If a child has an opportunity to express his angry feelings in words, it reduces the need to have to act them out with tantrums and threats. 

Words: 524 

 

RAPPORT IS VITAL WHEN PASSING ON VALUES  

QUESTION:

I am a Christian with high moral values. My husband used to be the same, but became an alcoholic shortly after we married. Now his values and mine are poles apart. I'm afraid our conflict in values is confusing to our 13 year old son, Jonathan. Our other son, who is now 20 year old, has a lot of anger being raised in an alcoholic home, and I'd like to prevent this from happening with our younger one. I discovered Alanon and this has helped, but every day is a struggle. 

ANSWER:

There are three key factors that help form a child's character and value system. I call them the IN-factors because each begins with IN. These factors are INfluence, INformation, and INternal Control. What your child will become will be determined by these things.

#1: INfluence

Because your husband lives a different lifestyle and espouses different values, your values as well as his will influence your child.

How can you strengthen your influence? First, establish positive rapport. Friends have more influence on a person than strangers or enemies. Second, reinforce a positive influence with teachers, friends and acquaintances that espouse similar values as yours. You might do this by sending him to a Christian school, or getting him involved in a sports or scouting program where he sees these values in others he admires. Finally, monitor as carefully as possible the negative influence of media: films, radio, TV, CDs, and print.

#2: INformation

You are your son's best source of information, but you must learn how to impart this resource in such a way that your son will be most receptive. Read to him. Openly discuss values that are expressed in media or by friends or acquaintances. Be logical--not dogmatic. "The Bible says," is not sufficient for most teens. They want to know why. Point out the basic principles underlying such things as sex before marriage, smoking, or cheating. Teach by parables or word pictures rather than lectures. And live a lifestyle your son will respect. Information is always "caught" better if provided by someone a child admires.

INternal Control

You can guard a child's influences and provide good information, but if the child exhibits little or no self-control the value of influence and information will be greatly reduced. A child becomes what he thinks and does. It's internal control that helps him to focus his thoughts on positive plans and keep life goals clearly in mind, regardless of the negative life experiences that may have come his way by being the child of an alcoholic. Make sure your child gets the message that what he has control over what he becomes. It's his choice either to wallow in self-pity and become a victim of his past, or take the lemons of his past and make lemonade. 

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CORRECT BUT PRESERVE DESIRABILITY AND COMPETENCE 

QUESTION: 

I believe that a child's feeling of personal value or self-worth will have a profound affect on the person's entire life. I want my child to experience the feeling that "I'm OK." How can I go about making that happen? Just being nice doesn't seem like it's enough. 

ANSWER:

Just being nice can get you into a heap of trouble as a parent, if nice means you smile at wrong doing and fail to instruct the child by imposing consequences that may be painful. "No gain without pain," is a common saying and it certainly applies to moral development. Lessons that help a child (or adult) become a better person are often painful. And yet these very lessons may build a child's sense of personal value.

How? First, children sense they are valuable when people are willing to take their time to teach them to become better persons. Second, improved behavior brought about by discipline, means that others will react more positively to the children and may even spend more time with them, making them feel even more important. And third, self-respect is increased when children know they are doing what they should be doing.

If you want to preserve and build your child's sense of personal value, you might not always be the nice guy, but you will correct in such a way that makes the child feel desirable and competent. Let me explain why during the early years desirability and competence are so critical. Being in a state of need, or not able to take care of your own personal needs, diminishes competency. It's true with the young child--as well as the aged. At these times when a person doesn't feel very competent self-worth is primarily determined by now desirable the person feels. This can be a time of real vulnerability to feelings of inferiority. The person who cares for the child must make the helpless one feel desirable. If not, that person's self-worth is likely to suffer. Parents who complain, argue, ignore, or criticize a child when the reason for the child's "misbehavior' is unmet needs, can destroys the child's feelings of desirability. The message is: "You're not important enough for me to enjoy or even be civil to as I try to meet your needs." That's why it's so important for parents to correct behavior and not to attack a child's personhood by saying things like, "You're bad," or "You're always acting up."

As a child begins to feel more competent (which usually happens with age) blows to a child's feeling of desirability, although damaging, may not be quite as devastating.

So preserve our child's personal value through the growing years: correct, but do it in such a way that your child still feels desirable and competent. 

Words: 466 

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